Very many relationships crash, in fact 50 % of all Norwegian marriages crash. I think many marry to easily not reflecting on if this is a person I can STAY married to? I have always asked myself that question when Meeting a man. Is this a person I could STAY married to? I have actually been asked this question a couple of times. You know the question: – Will you marry me? And then I have searched my heart and felt if the question: – Can I STAY married to this person? if it is answered correctly. I have said no so far. Mostly since many of the Things needed for STAYING married is not fulfilled. I feel marriage is not just getting married. It is not a day, marriage is the rest of the life. Many make such a fuss over the one day, of course it should be Nice. But marriage is actually not only that day, one should make more fuzz over the other parts answering the questions: – Will I be able to STAY married to this person? I feel marriage is not just getting married. At least it is the way it should be. Marriage should not be like having a fling, one day on and over the next day. Marriage is With a best friend one love that special way, a person that is both a best friend and one is attracted to. A life friend. And also a person that if it is possible should be a good husband and a good dad. Marriage is about Family. It is about trust, faith in one another, love, co-working, both living and coping, one have to be able to feel well-being, togetherness and be able to solve problems together. It needs ability to communicate. Living together also means need to have well-being, one must like living together. Living With the good habits is easy enough, it is living With the bad habits that is not as easy. Specially communication and some other Things is hard to find. Today I got a New Facebook friend and through this person I found a site online talking about just those Things. It was Nice Reading since it took on stuff that I have thought of many times.
Humble yourself it said
“Of course you’re in love. You know you’re ready to vow “through sickness and health … until death do us part” – however, take a deep breath, advises author Gary Thomas. And consider these 10 questions.
1) “Can they handle conflict? Conflict is certain in marriage, but that’s not all negative. Learning to resolve conflict can have many positive benefits, provided you learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way. Healthy conflict gives birth to intimacy and understanding. Unhealthy conflict creates bitterness and resentment. “Two major red flags of unhealthy conflict management are stonewalling (the silent treatment) and any form of violence. If someone is a little too angry as a boyfriend/girlfriend, they will be much too angry as a spouse,” advises Gary Thomas, author of The Sacred Search. “Marriage typically increases conflict and the potential for anger.””
Yes, one must be able to make friends. But making friends must be something both wants. If only one Works to make friends the relationships get a load like a ship tipping over to sink. It gets dysfunctional. My grandma used to say “One should never go to bed in anger”.
2) “Does he/she share your faith? The deeper you hold your faith, the more difficult it is to compromise on this, particularly if you decide to have children. So many couples have come back to me after they have children and ask, “What do we do now?” when trying to decide where to worship and even how to acknowledge the birth (Baptism? Dedication?) There’s no easy answer here. A common faith holds a family together, not just on a weekly basis, but on major holidays throughout the year—which means that every such occasion will remind you of your disconnect as a couple if you share a significantly different expression of faith that makes you want to be in two different houses of worship at any one time.”
This is probably really important since it for many is a huge thing in the way of looking at Things and way of living.
3) “Will they kiss divorce good-bye? Every marriage eventually proves to be difficult at times. Human nature is such that if there’s an easy “off-ramp,” we tend to want to take it. Marry someone who is committed to working through every challenge you face without considering divorce as an option.”
This is really true, but it also takes two to tango. There must be a co-operative interest to tango together. It must take interest and good communication skills and listening to succeed. Talking to childish brick wall is not a solution.
4) “Will they be a spectacular parent? You’re not just choosing your future husband or wife; you’re choosing your kids’ future dad or mom. It’s impossible for you to imagine how much you’ll love your children; they will pull emotions out of you that you didn’t even know you had. And on the day you bring them home, you’ll be so glad you picked someone who will be a fantastic parent, or you’ll grieve that they have to put up with someone who is neglectful or, even worse, abusive. “If you plan on having kids, your marriage isn’t just about you,” says Gary Thomas, author of The Sacred Search Couples Conversation Guide. “Your future spouse’s suitability as a parent is a major deal to consider.””
Just my point, so nothing to add there.
5) “Do they pray? The older we get, the more it seems we need to pray. Our circle of influence widens. People ask us to pray for them. The task of being married requires daily prayer—we pray about how to love each other, for the strength to serve unselfishly, and for wisdom for many decisions. Few couples married for several years have sex every day—but every thoughtful Christian will pray every day, so put “prayer aptitude” at least as high as sexual chemistry in your list of what matters in a potential spouse. Being married to an active pray-er is a true blessing. By the way, a quick test to know how often someone prays is simply listening to what they talk about. Do they ever share what God is challenging them with? If they’re not regularly talking about God, they’re not regularly talking to God. If he/she never shares anything about their devotional times, that’s a good sign that they don’t really have significant devotional times.”
Here I do not agree in total. Firstly it depend on if one is religjous. If you are very religious and is acting out about it, it is maybe or probably important since it colors Your behaviour. But not all People are acting out openly about faith, it does not necessarily mean they do not have a faith. Some People look at faith as something private. But I do agree on it is a good thing to have a spouse that is on the same Level. It possibly make it easier to function together.
6) “Do they know how to forgive? James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways.” That includes you. The Bible testifies that, in marriage (and out), you will stumble in many ways. If you marry someone who doesn’t know how to forgive, your marriage will soon be weighted down with heavy resentment and bitterness.”
Yes, one must be able to forgive. But a good spouse also ask to be forgiven, and do not do the mistake over and over again hurting the other. Sometimes to be forgiven takes saying I am sorry. Not everyone knows how to do that. It is like they believe they can do some wrong to others, and it should be ok. Like if we get forgiven anyway, right? Wrong. Caring heals wounds.
7) “Do they know how to communicate? Communication is essential to build new intimacy when infatuation fades (which it will). If you marry someone who is fearful of communication or unskilled at communication, your marriage will fall into an intimacy rut. Joshua Harris writes, “You can’t love what you don’t know. You can’t be truly loved if you’re not truly known. And the only way to know and be known by another person is to communicate—openly, honestly, sincerely, humbly.” Women, however much your boyfriend talks to you, imagine marriage will have 25% less talk. (I’m not suggesting it should be that way, just that it often is.) Will that be enough? If he’s already borderline in this area, you’re likely to become very frustrated after marriage.”
Yes, being in a relationship With a clam is like talking to a brick wall. Not a good idea to be there. It is destined to fail.
8) “Is he/she humble? The only thing worse than being married to someone who isn’t perfect, is being married to someone who isn’t perfect but who thinks they are. People without humility can never grow; they spend all their energy defending themselves rather than evaluating themselves and making appropriate corrections. Ask yourself, does this person ever serve others, or do they insist on being served? Do they show empathy toward the feelings of others or are they always trying to impress? Do they show initiative in caring for others, or are they obsessed with how they are treated or appreciated?”
9) “Are they a giver or a taker? The sad reality is, some people are givers and some people are takers. Givers don’t always mind being in a relationship with a taker because they like to give; it brings them joy. But marriage is a long journey and there will eventually be seasons when the giver needs to receive. In those instances, can your taker learn to give? In most cases, sadly, the answer is no. When a taker has to give, he feels sorry for himself even more than he feels empathy for you. “Ask yourself, when you spend time with your partner, do you feel drained or invigorated?” suggests Gary Thomas, author of The Sacred Search Study Resource DVD. “Would you describe the relationship as healing and supportive, or exhausting and combative?””
Yes, being a giver With at taker is like being drained in the long run. Again it takes two to tango. In real life, in social, in work load, in care taking, in all aspects of life. It gets empty and lonely if nothing is put back.
10) “What does their “fruit” look like? Talking about “character” can sound so general that it isn’t helpful. A famous Bible passage breaks this down into two lists of “fruit.” One is desirable, one isn’t. Go through these lists and see which one most accurately describes the person you’re considering marrying: The “Watch Out” List: Sexual irresponsibility; Impurity and debauchery (is this person drawn to the crude?); Hatred, discord, and jealousy; Fits of rage; Selfishness; Divisive and envious; Drunkenness. The “Go” List: Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control.”
Trust is really important.
All these ten Points is found at beliefenet. I posted it since I feel it takes up many important Things. I have not posted it as a form of pro faith, it is more of the essence in it.
Personally I still Wonder if I will find anyone mature enough to marry.